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ENCINITAS, CA—Intently scanning the room for signs of fatigue or excessive perspiration, local gym member Brian O’Grady reportedly kept a tally Monday of how many people were in worse shape than him.

THE HEAVENS—Following a wave of high-profile angelic overdoses, the Lord, Our Heavenly Father, announced on Monday a massive crackdown on drugs being smuggled into heaven, purportedly by entering souls.

WASHINGTON—Saying the issue was an urgent matter of national security, FBI director James Comey said at a press conference Tuesday that the agency required increased surveillance powers in order to keep pace with the continually evolving threat of presidential administrations.

JERUSALEM—Saying they now understood the earliest moments of the Resurrection in greater detail than ever before, archaeologists from Cambridge University announced compelling new evidence Tuesday revealing that Jesus Christ lounged for an extra hour in his tomb before finally rising from the dead.

Believe me, Brittany and Dylan don't care that Big Earl counts me among his most important pieces of property.

Or that he's promised to get me a suede fringed jacket if I keep bringing in all those repeat anal-penetration customers. Because children think their mothers have only one role–to take care of them.

(Ever since Khandi lost all that weight and died of pneumonia, I've been getting a lot of extra business.) How do I do it, you ask?

Just how can I hold down a 60-hour-a-week streetwalking job and raise a family all by myself? It'd be nice if I had more time to spend with the kids, much less wash the dishes, do the laundry, and clean the house.

We operated through citywide missions that bring the Gospel to over 400,000 people.

We've implemented key social programs to alleviate the suffering of the poor and have equipped them with knowledge and training to learn a trade, start their own business, gain financial wisdom and earn sustainable income.

Or perhaps it was me who one of the newer girls chose to come to for advice about which free clinics treat gonorrhea.

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